The Justin TV Awards.

Just this week we had the Tv awards throw up a complete load of nonsense as winners, so I thought that I would announce my first "Cows",(Celebritys On Wide Screen) which are awarded for Tv excellence ,or not. These almost life like awards are unique as the winners names are fixed to the ears, to save the cost of engraving. The picture on the left of the award is actually the size of the trophy, about two inches, or in metric-who actually cares!
Whereas the National Tv awards have been voted for by the general British public, the "Cows" are voted for by only me who hears through the grapevine of gossip whether a program or film is good or rubbish.
Ladies and gentlemen. The winners are-

Best Drama Tv- Vincent. A private eye who is so good hearted that he rarely takes any money from the client, and whose office always seem covered in smoke , although no-one is puffing away? Good to see Ray Winston back on Tv.

Best Comedy TV-Extras. A bit of a slow burner from Ricky Gervais, but climaxed with a cameo from Robert DeNiro. What a stroke of genius!

Best TV Soap-Coronation St. Don't even watch it but the theme tune wins! My cousin never misses it, which explains why she hides behind the curtains when anyone comes to the front door!
Best Imported TV-My Name Is Earl. The funniest script and casting from the USA, ever! I just laugh everytime he calls the guy with the afro hair crabman.haha.

Best TV Presenter-Alan Titchmarsh. Sends middle aged woman wondering why they married that fat slob in the armchair when this guy knows everything about plants, music and the History Of The British Isles. Knighthood deserved, your majesty.

Best Reality TV- Big Brother. Get together a group of nuerotic housemates and vote on who is the maddest. Laugh when they cry, cry when they laugh, out of sheer disbelief. One day someone will die or kill someone and it will end. Please!

Maddest News Channel- BBC news at six. This is all a bit weird. Not only does every reporter keep mentioning their own name, but it even extends to the weather forecasters. I really don't want to see you pointing at an imaginary map of Britain telling me what the weather was like earlier today. In fact I know what the weather was like earlier because I was out in it!

Special Cow Pat Award for Outstanding Tv Rubbish- The Downfall Of Rome-BBC. Well we all know that the BBC produce the finest documentarys in the world, but recently these have turned into lavish sets as famous events in history are acted out, with a narrator filling in the gaps. Not a bad idea, but please do not choose British cockney actors playing Roman soldiers or even emperors, it just doesn't work because they don't look as if they have been to Italy , and they sound like a bad Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Hire Italians,please.

Justins Platinum Award for Tv Excellence- The top award of the show receives a platinum cow award that will not fade(unless it rains) And the winner is...............LOST. The series that took the nation by storm, until it decided that it could make loads more money by dragging it out for as long as possible. No-one understands it. No plane flies over the island. No-one misses them enough to send out the Air/Sea rescue services. Only Gandalf from the Lord Of The Rings can save them!

The Golden Cow Award for lifetime acheivement- David Attenborough(who sadly can't be here tonight as he's knee deep in bats droppings in the Amazon) This man has brought us all the animals and insects on the planet in a manner that even the dumbest person can understand.
And he also has a favourite blue shirt that he always wears. Gets really dirty, puffs and blows as he climbs trees, a real Tv legend.

A Veil Of Confusion.

There have been a series of storys recently regarding the Islamic use of veils for the woman folk, especially the decision by many to decide to wear them in the workplace. As usual there is a wild exaggeration of their use reported in the press as a means to fuel the usual Islam versus Christian argument, and to casually put all Muslims in the category of terrorism. The fact is that there has never been a requirement in the Koran for women to cover their faces in European countries, but this has been adapted to suit the relationship requirements between the married partners way of life and religious beliefs. Just a stroll down the Edgware road, which has probably the biggest community of Arabs in London, shows the extent that this practice entails. So where to draw the line? Employment tribunes have been busy sorting through the claims for unfair dismissal due the fact that the employers have suspended or even sacked workers who have adhered to the wearing of the veil in the workplace. The most profile case has been a teacher who wore the veil in front of the children although at the interview she didn't. For my mind this is just plain stupid and was a deliberate attempt to thrust Islam into the headlines without any thought that the children would suffer as a result. My view is simple. I hate the very thought that women of any religion should be under the control of any man. This idea that other men may see the face and instantly lust after them is a complete fantasy thought up by stupid clerics. There lies the problem with Islam. Some radicals have hijacked the faith and expect the world to comply with it. Two questions I would like answered,
1. If you hate the Western English speaking world, why live in it?
2. Why do you not see woman as your equal?